Adoption Update: Amelia's Heart

Many people have been asking us how Amelia is doing and, although many things are going wonderfully, Justin and I both felt like it was difficult for us to put into words just how heartbreaking it has been to see how growing up in the orphanage has affected her so we thought my brother, who has his degree in psychology and has spent many years traveling to orphanages in Mexico could offer a unique and informative perspective. 

The nun shared with us on Friday that none of them ever believed that Amelia would be adopted, in fact, it hadn't even crossed their minds as a possibility. They even assigned an office person to be her legal guardian instead of their usual practice of having it be the head nun as it is much easier to get through this court process having the nun present because the church has a lot of authority in Poland. This is one of the biggest reason why we have been having so much trouble since we have been here. In Poland, and many Eastern European countries, children with disabilities are placed in orphanages and then after they reach a certain age (anywhere from 4-14 years old depending on the country), they are transferred to an adult institution where they become unadoptable and remain for the rest of their lives. Because they didn't see any other option for Amelia, she was almost always restrained to prevent self-harming (a common response for institutionalized children who seek sensory input) and was only provided for her basic needs. She was not offered physical therapy like many of the other children in the orphanage until after our trip in July as it wasn't seen as a good use of resources. She was almost two and wasn't even able to sit up. The amazing news is that she has made great progress in such a short time - not only sitting up but she is crawling! She also only eats 2 bottles of formula and one bowl of porridge per day, we have tried to give her more since she has been with us but she refuses anything else we try to give her. The bad news is the sad truth ... there are thousands of other children like her, alone and hurting, and actually many are even worse off. Our hearts are are full of so much joy but they are also broken as we watch the little girl we are so in love have to go through so much.

My brother, Willie says it best:

When my sister asked if I could assist her with explaining some of the difficulties that Amelia is experiencing, I was very excited but could also not help experiencing some trepidation. I studied psychology in college but in no way am I an expert on the matter. I also know that there is no way I can truly understand what they are going through. Nevertheless I want to support her, Justin, Anna, Levi, Claire, and Amelia in any way that I can. 

Let me start off by thanking all of you for your support for my sister and her family throughout this entire process.  It has been a long journey rife with emotion, love, and grace. Amelia is a beautiful girl and I pray every day for her that God will work through Codi and Justin in an amazing way and that she will become part of the family. For Amelia to feel like a part of the family will not be an easy process, however, and will take a lot of time, love, prayer, patience, and encouragement. 

Life in an institution is never easy. Some studies estimate that many kids will have 100 or more caregivers in the first 2 years of their lives. They almost never have toys of their own or sometimes they will have no toys at all. They are held to a very rigid structure in day-to-day activities but experience a constant change in whom they see every day. They are never able to have that bond with a loving parent-like figure that is so necessary for development in a child’s life and there is no room for flexibility in their schedule to accommodate meeting anything other than their very basic needs. Due to a lack of healthcare, support, and general knowledge of mental disabilities children with mental disabilities are usually both segregated and neglected altogether in foreign institutions. As a result of this lifestyle, kids that grow up in an institution are often physically smaller, have difficulties bonding to their adoptive families, have much higher rates of ADHD and autism and can often feel overstimulated when trying to assimilate into a new home. 

Amelia is amazing and Codi and Justin feel so blessed that they get to spend so much time with her. However, because of the aforementioned lifestyle that she is used to, she is experiencing some of the difficulties I described. One of the main behaviors that she is exhibiting is called “stimming.” Short for stimulation, stimming is an action that is repeated over and over again. It is a coping mechanism that an individual uses to protect themselves from external circumstances that they cannot control, it also provides them with the sensory input that they would otherwise get from physical touch, play, etc. This behavior is most common in children with developmental disabilities as they have a harder time expressing their needs and are often isolated and neglected. Amelia is not used to the love and attention that she is receiving from Codi, Justin, Anna, Levi, and Claire. Although they have small windows of times when she seems to enjoy their affection, it is all new to her and is causing her to become overstimulated very often. Right now she is expressing that in the only way that she knows how; by biting herself, banging her head repeatedly on walls and furniture, doing lots of rocking back and forth, grinding her teeth, and grunting/yelling. The constant head banging is a coping mechanism in order to create some sort of normalcy in the midst of change. Another behavior that Codi and Justin have noticed is that Amelia tends to always look down at the floor when sitting or crawling and very rarely looks up at people or makes eye contact. Since she most likely did not receive much attention in the orphanage, she is not used to looking up and seeing a person there waiting to give her all of the love she deserves. It seems that she was also not given toys to play with and does not really understand what to do with toys when they are placed in front of her. 

However, in light of all the difficulties, there is a lot of hope for her. Many studies have shown that children that are adopted from institutions at a young age are able to assimilate well into a family and develop many meaningful, close relationships. It may not be easy, but as loving and caring as Codi and Justin are, I have no doubt that Amelia will be an amazing loving, bright, and wonderful girl. There have already been marked improvements even though they have only been visiting her for less than a week.  

Now when all of the court proceedings are completed and they are able to take Amelia home, one of your first reactions are going to be to want to rush over and see her. (I know for me that will be very difficult not to do). However, on their behalf I ask that you be patient and give it time.  It will be a very long journey before Amelia will be fully used to her new life as a Howell and getting her used to all of the love and attention will be a very delicate process. We are all excited for the day when Codi and Justin can introduce Amelia to all of you who have been loving, supporting, caring, and praying for them throughout the year. At this point, we are not sure how long her transition will take and appreciate your patience while the adjustment period is taking place. 

As they reach the point of the trial process where Amelia lives with them in Poland, we ask for your continued prayers that Amelia can easily accept Codi and Justin as her new parents and that they may find favor in the eyes of the social worker and the judge.

“We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.” -Psalms 33:20-22

Thank you for cheering us on!  We ask for your prayers for Amelia, that the walls of her heart would begin to come down and that she would recognize us as loving parents, that her appetite would grow, that she would begin to recognize and communicate her needs and desires, and that we would be able to help her find other ways to cope with her emotions. Thank you for being patient with us while we might be doing life a little differently for a short while. We are so thankful that God chose us to go on this very special mission of winning Amelia's heart, what an honor!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8